Man vs Woman – Eternal Battle

‘What are you doing?’

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband : ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’


Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife : ‘Yes or no.’


Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be
greater than this one?’


Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or

Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’


Son: ‘ Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’


A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT



Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever .

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’


A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor.’



Why the chicken cross the road?

some authoritative answers to this age-old question!


 The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
 wanted CHANGE!


 My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
 to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other
 side of the road.


 When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
 the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right
 from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
 deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….


 The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must
 first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes
 after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is
 help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’
 problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.


 Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
 wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
 from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
 give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
 live his life like the rest of the chickens.


 We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
 know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
 either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


 Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
 the chicken crossing the road…


 We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
 allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


 Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
 It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
 intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


 That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his
 eyes and the way he walks.


 To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


 No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
 standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price
 dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider


 Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
 chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.


 To die in the rain. Alone.


 In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
 the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


 Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
 chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
 experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
 long dream of crossing the road.


 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


 Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


 I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
 will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
 Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform
 much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%
………. reboot.


 Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the


 I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of


 I invented the chicken!


 Did I miss one?


 Where’s my gun?


 Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

 And now, the local version (for Singapore & Malaysia):

 LEE KUAN YEW (Former Prime Minister Singapore):

 We have installed crossing lights at all traffic junctions.  All
 should be able to cross safely to the other side.

 LEE HSIEN LOONG (Current Prime Minister Singapore):

 Gantry points have been set up.  All chickens wanting to cross the
 are advised to top up their cash cards first.

 ABDULLAH BADAWI (Current Prime Minister Malaysia):

 We have to be fair to all chickens. Some want to cross over the road,
 do not. …….. Zzzzzz …….zzzzzz ……. Now what were we talking
 about? Ah yes, chickens.  We will form a Royal Commission to decide
 whether it is right for them to cross the road.

 MAHATHIR (Former Prime Minister Malaysia):

 Now even the non-bumi chickens want to cross the road?  How can they
 disrespect and disregard the bumi chickens?  We must be allowed to
cross over first.  It is our right!

 ANWAR (Opposition party leader Malaysia):

 We have enough chickens waiting to cross over in September.

SAMY VELLU (Former Minister of Works Malaysia):

 After we have erected the toll booths, all chickens are free to cross the

looks like a chicken, it sounds like a chicken, but it is not a
chicken. Correct correct correct!


Find the man!

After you find the guy — it’s so obvious. Once
you find him — it’s embarrassing, and you think, Why didn’t I see him

Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in
3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better develop ed than most
people. If you find the man betwee n 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right
half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1
minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning
slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man
after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of
exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!


The 3 Patients

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining

of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him” What the hell did you do to your back?”

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club?

Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in

my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife
and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did
not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running
out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at
him, That’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car

wreck. The doctor says “My previous looked bad, but you look

terrible. What the hell happened to you?” He replies, “You know I
have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out
of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t
believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two

patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened

to you?” “Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd



Chinese Man & His Ferrari

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he

is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new
Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the
title and everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, ‘Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to
borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: ‘Where else in New York City can I
park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
safely when I return.’


Difference between Girls & Guys Best Friends

Friendship Between Girls:

A woman didn’t come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house

The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Guys:

A man didn’t come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy’s house.

The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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