SocioPolitics

The UMNO’s “Wow” Factor

A farmer named Lakbir Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young Malay man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

Lakbir looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Lakbir.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Lakbir says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a graduate from Oxford and a Member of Parliament for Umno,” says Lakbir.

“Wow! That’s correct,” exclaims the yuppie with the customary Umno’s Wow Factor, “But how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered Lakbir. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

Kekekeke….

Xin Nian Kuai Le everybody!!!! Happy Chinese New Year!

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Jokes

Man vs Woman – Eternal Battle

Wife:
‘What are you doing?’

妻:你在作什麼啊?
Husband : Nothing.

夫:沒作什麼。
Wife : ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

妻:沒作什麼?你看著我們的結婚證書,足足有一小時了。
Husband : ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’

夫:我在尋找它的有效日期是到什麼時候。
———————————————————————–

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’

妻:要吃晚餐嗎?
Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

夫:當然!我可以選擇嗎?
Wife : ‘Yes or no.’

妻:要或不要。
———————————————————————–

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

妻:為什麼你經常把我的照片放在你皮夾裡?
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.’

夫:當問題發生時,不管有多困難,我看著妳照片就迎刃而解了。
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!’

妻:你看我對你有多麼驚人的影響力啊!
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be
greater than this one?’

夫:是啊!望著妳的照片我問自己,還有什麼困難比這個來得大呢?
———————————————————————–

Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.’

女孩:婚後我要分擔你所有的煩惱、困擾,以減輕你的負擔。
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or
troubles.’

男孩:親愛的,妳真體貼,但我並沒有任何煩惱或困擾。
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

女孩:哦?那是因為我們還沒結婚的緣故。
———————————————————————–

Son: ‘ Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.’

子:今早我和爹地一起搭車,他要我讓座給一位女士。
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

母:嗯,你這麼做是對的。
Son: ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

子:但是,媽,我當時是坐在爹地的腿上呢。
_____________________________________________________________


A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?’

一位新婚的先生問他太太:如果我父親沒留下巨額財產給我,你會嫁給我嗎?
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE!’

女人溫柔的答道:親愛的,不管是誰留下財產給你,我都會嫁給你的。


———————————————————————–

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever .

女孩對著男友說:吻我一下,我就永遠屬於你了。
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

男孩回道:謝謝您提早警告我。
———————————————————————–

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?’

妻問夫:你最喜歡我哪一點?我美麗的臉龐,還是我性感的軀體?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor.’

他把她從頭到腳瀏覽了一遍,回道:我喜歡你的幽默感

Standard
Jokes

Why the chicken cross the road?

Finally,
some authoritative answers to this age-old question!



 BARACK OBAMA:

 The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The
chicken
 wanted CHANGE!


 JOHN MCCAIN:

 My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need
 to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other
 side of the road.


 HILLARY CLINTON:

 When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
 the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure — right
 from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
 deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…….


 DR. PHIL:

 The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must
 first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes
 after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is
 help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’
 problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.


 OPRAH:

 Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
 wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
 from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to
 give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not
 live his life like the rest of the chickens.



 GEORGE W. BUSH:

 We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
 know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
 either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.



 COLIN POWELL:

 Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
 the chicken crossing the road…


 ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:

 We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
 allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


 JOHN KERRY:

 Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
 It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s
 intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


 NANCY GRACE:

 That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his
 eyes and the way he walks.


 PAT BUCHANAN:

 To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


 MARTHA STEWART:

 No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
 standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price
 dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
 information.


 DR SEUSS:

 Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
 chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.


 ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

 To die in the rain. Alone.


 GRANDPA:

 In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us
 the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


 BARBARA WALTERS:

 Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
 chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
 experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life
 long dream of crossing the road.


 ARISTOTLE:

 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


 JOHN LENNON:

 Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


 BILL GATES:

 I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
 will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book.
 Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform
is
 much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%
………. reboot.


 ALBERT EINSTEIN:

 Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
 chicken?



 BILL CLINTON:

 I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
 chicken?


 ALGORE:

 I invented the chicken!


 COLONEL SANDERS:

 Did I miss one?



 DICK CHENEY:

 Where’s my gun?



 AL SHARPTON:

 Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

 And now, the local version (for Singapore & Malaysia):



 LEE KUAN YEW (Former Prime Minister Singapore):

 We have installed crossing lights at all traffic junctions.  All
chickens
 should be able to cross safely to the other side.


 LEE HSIEN LOONG (Current Prime Minister Singapore):

 Gantry points have been set up.  All chickens wanting to cross the
road
 are advised to top up their cash cards first.


 ABDULLAH BADAWI (Current Prime Minister Malaysia):

 We have to be fair to all chickens. Some want to cross over the road,
some
 do not. …….. Zzzzzz …….zzzzzz ……. Now what were we talking
 about? Ah yes, chickens.  We will form a Royal Commission to decide
 whether it is right for them to cross the road.


 MAHATHIR (Former Prime Minister Malaysia):

 Now even the non-bumi chickens want to cross the road?  How can they
 disrespect and disregard the bumi chickens?  We must be allowed to
cross over first.  It is our right!


 ANWAR (Opposition party leader Malaysia):

 We have enough chickens waiting to cross over in September.


SAMY VELLU (Former Minister of Works Malaysia):

 After we have erected the toll booths, all chickens are free to cross the
 road.

V.K.LINGAM:
It
looks like a chicken, it sounds like a chicken, but it is not a
chicken. Correct correct correct!

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SocioPolitics

Corruption in the Courtroom

Sempena the hot topics of VK Lingam, Mahathir, Malaysia’s judiciary crisis and whatever not in this country right now, I give you a courtroom joke:

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Standard
Jokes

Find the man!

After you find the guy — it’s so obvious. Once
you find him — it’s embarrassing, and you think, Why didn’t I see him
immediately?



Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in
3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better develop ed than most
people. If you find the man betwee n 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right
half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1
minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning
slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man
after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of
exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!

Standard
Reviews

 Think….(Don’t rush to
look for the answer)



 
Think !! How you take off the rope and save yourself from the
Lion!
Think ……………………….. think it strongly…
Don’t peep for the answer ………
 
THINK lah………………

THINK………………

THINK……………………………
MORE………………………

OK, SO YOU GIVE UP?

HERE’S THE ANSWER





Smart eh? Kekeke


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